Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Things a Dog Must Remember

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

2. I should not suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa, or under the bed.

4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

5. I will not eat the cats' food, either before they eat it or after they throw it u

6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to be sick.

7. I will not throw up in the car.

8. When at the beach, I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. no matter how good they smell.

9. Kitty box crunches, although tasty, are not food.

10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then re-deposit them after processing, in the back yard.

11. The diaper bin is not a cookie jar.

12. My humans' toothbrushes are for the exclusive use of my humans. If they want me to have one, they'll get me one.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, so that when I throw up, my people will not assume I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down on rainy days.

15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

16. I will not steal Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

17. The sofa is not a face towel, neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

20. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

21. To avoid having a string hang out of my butt, I will not eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage.

22. I will not consider rolling around in the dirt a necessity first thing after getting a bath.

23. I will remember that sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way to greet visitors.

24. I will not fart in my owner's face while I am sleeping on the pillow next to their heads.

25. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

26. The toilet bowl is not a magical, never-ending water supply, and just because the water is blue doesn't mean it is cleaner.

27. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is here.

28. I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room, and is thus to be avoided.
Except when in-laws are here.

29. The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with him and when he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

30. Even though he's too chicken to come on Sundays, the mailman WILL be back

Lifted from Versacelitterbox

I am very much pro-feminist. I still tell sick chauvinist jokes, but I am an equal opportunity offender.

I lifted this from versacelitterbox

thank a feminist...

If you're female and... can vote, thank a feminist. get paid as much as men doing the same job, thank a feminist. went to college instead of being expected to quit after high school so your brothers could go because "You'll just get married anyway", thank a feminist. can apply for any job, not just "women's work", thank a feminist can get or give birth control information without going to jail, thank a feminist.
...your doctor, lawyer, pastor judge or legislator is a woman, thank a feminist. play an organized sport, thank a feminist. can wear slacks without being excommunicated from your church or run out of town, thank a feminist.
...your boss isn't allowed to pressure you to sleep with him, thank a feminist. get raped and the trial isn't about your hemline or your previous boyfriends, thank a feminist. start a small business and can get a loan using only your name and credit history, thank a feminist are on trial and are allowed to testify in your own defense, thank a feminist. own property that is solely yours, thank a feminist. have the right to your own salary even if you are married or have a male relative, thank a feminist. get custody of your children following divorce or separation, thank a feminist. get a voice in the raising and care of your children instead of them being completely controlled by the husband/father, thank a feminist.
...your husband beats you and it is illegal and the police stop him instead of lecturing you on better wifely behavior, thank a feminist. are granted a degree after attending college instead of a certificate of completion, thank a feminist. can breastfeed your baby discreetly in a public place and not be arrested, thank a feminist. marry and your civil human rights do not disappear into your husband's rights, thank a feminist. have the right to refuse sex with a diseased husband [or just "husband"], thank a feminist. have the right to keep your medical records confidential from the men in your family, thank a feminist. have the right to read the books you want, thank a feminist. can testify in court about crimes or wrongs your husband has committed, thank a feminist. can choose to be a mother or not a mother in you own time not at the dictates of a husband or rapist, thank a feminist. can look forward to a lifespan of 80 years instead of dying in your 20s from unlimited childbirth, thank a feminist. can see yourself as a full, adult human being instead of a minor who needs to be controlled by a man, thank a feminist.

Horney Harry Potter

Company Motivational Sayings

18. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up."

17. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

16. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

15. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.

14. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.

13. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings--they did it by killing all those who oppose them.

12. We put the "k" in "kwality."

11. Two days without a human rights violation.

10. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"

9. We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

7. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

6. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

5. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.

4. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.

3. Plagiarism saves time.

2. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

1. Our standards are simply lower!

Exhibi Kangaroo