Crazy Wedding

Joke of the Day

Lift It High

A scantily clad woman is sitting in a bar. Having never shaved in her life, she has a thick black bush of hair in each armpit.

She chugs down drinks like a man; every 10 minutes she raises her arm and flags the bartender for another bourbon. Each time she does the other drinkers at the bar are given an eyeful of her hairy pits.

After a few hours, a drunk at the other side of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy Miss Ballerina here a drink."

The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?"

The drunk says, "Any girl that can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina."

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Fashion Victim Balloons

Very good photos

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Good story

4-5 years ago I have got acquainted with cool girl in adult dating service.
she lives about 2 hours away from seattle where I was living at the time...
and I barely see her again, but we email each other every few weeks.
eventually we deciede to give a shot at dating, dispite the distance, and I say she can come to seattle and stay at my place for the weekend, cause she wanted to sometime.
well, I hadn't seen her for like 6 months or so.
and she drive up...
I am on my balcony, 4 stories above the parking lot, and see her truck.
she is skin and bones...

lost like 40 pounds since I last saw her.
it was just shocking really...
I wanted to act like I wasn't home or something cause it was just too weird.
so she comes up and I let her in, friendly hug and I am trying to start some small talk, and thinking of "what now"
anyways, we sat down for a half hour and start talking, and damn if that little "spark" wasn't there still and although she was alittle odd on appearance from when I last saw her, I got comfortable talking to her.
thats all it really takes for me to like someone, is to be able to talk to them.
so we are talking and telling stories about life and the last few months or so...
we get hungry and decieded to go out to dinner for some chinese food.
we get some food, and I bought alot of it too for her and I...
and damn it, she was trying like hell to avoid eating.
so we end up in a park, and she's telling me "I already ate"
when about 20 minutes ago in my apartment, she was saying she was hungry from the long drive...

(it also would have helped if she told me she didn't want to eat, BEFORE I bought the food)

anyways, the weekend was weird.
nothing really happend.
she stayed up with me talking all night a few night.
we slept on the floor in sleeping bags talking.
no kissing.
every now and then she would hug me.
she cooked alot for me, but never really her.
monday came, and she left.

the whole thing was something of a disaster.
that I kept hoping would get alittle better and it did.
kinda.

I wasn't attracted to her anymore physically, and I am sorry to say, but that was the honest truth. to me "too skinny" is just alittle strange.
but she was still a great girl.
so I agreed to go to her place 2 hours away in 2 weeks for 4 days.

2 weeks later, and I arrive.
she lives in a very cool little place, she has great style and decorations, and the place just smelled like she cooked a damn good meal just an hour before.
the day was nice, we talk alot again.
walk around...
go home later.
then she tells gets a phone call and shes mad.
I ask whats wrong, she says don't worry about it.
so she asked what I wanted for dinner, I said I have no idea.
look around her kitchen, and saw almost no food.
alittle bit of granola cerial, some brown rice, and a few other bare minimum foods.
but nothing that could really make a filling meal.
so I said, lets go to the store.
we do, and there, we see this truck go by, and she got really quiet.
don't know why yet...

anyways, we get home, I start to make dinner.
she pans and pots are all over the place and she takes over the dinner.
I sat at the table and talked to her the whole time, sensing she was alittle shy about something. I choose to avoid it, and just peel some potatos.

well that night, we were up all night again, talking, sleeping on a floor in sleeping bags and in the darkness she leaned over to kiss me.
that was kinda nice really.
nothing happens.
we go to bed.
not a bad day, all in all.

the next morning I wake up, and it's barely 8 am, and she's up and cooking.
smelled great, and I ask to take a shower.
after the shower she says she wants to talk to me.

so she sits down and tells me this long story how she just broke up with this guy after 2 years. I was alittle shocked cause I met her like 6-7 months before this.
she says she was mad after some phone call last night. cause he called and said if she didn't come to get her stuff, he was gonna throw it all out when he gets back from work tommorow.

so she decieded she wants to go get a "few" boxs of her stuff, that morning while he is at work all day.
being the nice guy, or just a guy in a small town with nothing to do and no where to go...
I offer to help her get her stuff, she kinda was happy and said yes.
we get there...
and a few boxs turn out to be 50.
multiple trips later of her truck filled, it's nearly 5pm and she's expecting her ex home any second, so I am like "great, this dudes gonna come here and see me, in his house and get all pissed about it, and make a scene"

but we make it out of there in time.
everything appears ok.

so I avoid the Ex-bullet in the knick of time.

the rest of that day was ok, we went to see a play about dracula, and for being a small town theater, the play was actually really well done, so I thought it was a nice night out with her.

the next day was alittle plain, we went to a beach and hiked around all day, and talked.
but thats where it began...

she begins telling me things aren't "right", and hinting that her health is fragile.
no big deal, I kinda figured somethings not right anyways with the weight thing.
anyways, she tells me her stomach is shot cause she has a blood disease that does all this crazy damage to her body over time.
sympathetic I just listen.

then she tells me about fatigue, and how she gets tired from almost nothing.
ok....

then she tells me this LOOOOOOOONG list of food she can't eat (which explain the chinese food)

then she begins telling me about like 10 other things that are either seriously screwed up with her, or will be in the next few years.
kidney failures and comas and seizures and all this other stuff to expect.

by this point I was bug eyed...
like damn, how many things could go wrong in one person??

anyways, I took it all in, the shock of it all didn't really hit me till I got home a few days later.

being the stand up guy I try to be, I said "we'll deal with things as they come".
and we talked alittle on the phone now and then.
she came over every few days.

then it got creepy.

she started saying crazy stuff like "you don't love me", and she was getting super clingy, and I am just like "damn, we met each other like 10 days ago, what do you expect"
then she started calling at like 4 am, to see if other girls would pick up.
it didn't help at all that my roomate was by best friend sara...

then I had to hear all this crazy jealousy stuff.
I mean just off the wall, made up paranoia stuff.

in a last ditch effort to let her get relaxed, I said come over, stay the weekend.
we'll talk.

in that time, she told me like 10 more things that were permanantly screwed up with her insides, including one that just blew me away.
her "bits and pieces" were shot to hell and removed and she was never gonna have sex again in her life, cause she didn't have the desire and such...
by that time, I was just like "wow... what have I gotten myself into"
I wasn't into her since she drove up to my place from the first moment.
but I tried to give it all a shot.
it kinda worked.
enough for us to spend 3 weekends together.

but then she started going psycho, and saying crazy stuff, and saying she loved me and being jealous of things that "might happen", and every other day telling me some other thing was either gonna fall off, get removed, turn cancerous, or just get infected. while she may end up blind, deaf, retarded or in a coma anytime in the next 10 years of her life.

you ever see that movie with marlon wayons, where he's making out with this girl, and she's like "I got something to tell you" and he's all horny and stuff...
then she pulls off her weave??

he was like "I don't mind, I like me a freak"
then she's hold on, theres more.

then she pulls off her eyebrows, push up bra, make up, padded butt shape thing, then she pulls off her leg too...

thats kinda what I felt like.

I dont know if I really would have cared about her being sick and such.
I thought about that sometimes after, if I would have just stayed with her.
if she didn't start getting jealous and turning psycho on me.

anyways, by the time she left that weekend, it was pretty cold between us.
it was mainly me, cause she tried to hug me on the way out, and I acted like "do I have to"
she kinda saw that her acting psycho didn't really win over any extra time for her, and that I was pretty much giving up on her.

a few phone calls later started to confirm she was just alittle mental.
she was calling telling me about some dude she met.
when I would just go "uh huh" and let the topic die, the phone calls just kinda ended.
that was the last I ever saw of her.

to bad really, she was a great cook, great sense of style and such.
nice girl really.
just picked the wrong dude to get crazy over.

Hahaha

Hahahaha))))))))))))))))

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25 Signs That You've Grown Up

1. Your house plants are alive and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hookup" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed-up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate her instead of asking "Oh shit, what the hell happened?"

Bonus:
26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.
Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends cause you know they'll enjoy it too.

Never take your days for granted nor the people in your life.

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Lol

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart ! Attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

crazyfuns.ru collection

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Things a Dog Must Remember

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

2. I should not suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa, or under the bed.

4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

5. I will not eat the cats' food, either before they eat it or after they throw it u
up.

6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to be sick.

7. I will not throw up in the car.

8. When at the beach, I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. no matter how good they smell.

9. Kitty box crunches, although tasty, are not food.

10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then re-deposit them after processing, in the back yard.

11. The diaper bin is not a cookie jar.

12. My humans' toothbrushes are for the exclusive use of my humans. If they want me to have one, they'll get me one.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, so that when I throw up, my people will not assume I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down on rainy days.

15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

16. I will not steal Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

17. The sofa is not a face towel, neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

20. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

21. To avoid having a string hang out of my butt, I will not eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage.

22. I will not consider rolling around in the dirt a necessity first thing after getting a bath.

23. I will remember that sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way to greet visitors.

24. I will not fart in my owner's face while I am sleeping on the pillow next to their heads.

25. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

26. The toilet bowl is not a magical, never-ending water supply, and just because the water is blue doesn't mean it is cleaner.

27. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is here.

28. I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room, and is thus to be avoided.
Except when in-laws are here.

29. The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with him and when he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

30. Even though he's too chicken to come on Sundays, the mailman WILL be back

Lifted from Versacelitterbox

I am very much pro-feminist. I still tell sick chauvinist jokes, but I am an equal opportunity offender.

I lifted this from versacelitterbox

thank a feminist...

If you're female and...

...you can vote, thank a feminist.
...you get paid as much as men doing the same job, thank a feminist.
...you went to college instead of being expected to quit after high school so your brothers could go because "You'll just get married anyway", thank a feminist.
...you can apply for any job, not just "women's work", thank a feminist
...you can get or give birth control information without going to jail, thank a feminist.
...your doctor, lawyer, pastor judge or legislator is a woman, thank a feminist.
...you play an organized sport, thank a feminist.
...you can wear slacks without being excommunicated from your church or run out of town, thank a feminist.
...your boss isn't allowed to pressure you to sleep with him, thank a feminist.
...you get raped and the trial isn't about your hemline or your previous boyfriends, thank a feminist.
...you start a small business and can get a loan using only your name and credit history, thank a feminist
...you are on trial and are allowed to testify in your own defense, thank a feminist.
...you own property that is solely yours, thank a feminist.
...you have the right to your own salary even if you are married or have a male relative, thank a feminist.
...you get custody of your children following divorce or separation, thank a feminist.
...you get a voice in the raising and care of your children instead of them being completely controlled by the husband/father, thank a feminist.
...your husband beats you and it is illegal and the police stop him instead of lecturing you on better wifely behavior, thank a feminist.
...you are granted a degree after attending college instead of a certificate of completion, thank a feminist.
...you can breastfeed your baby discreetly in a public place and not be arrested, thank a feminist.
...you marry and your civil human rights do not disappear into your husband's rights, thank a feminist.
...you have the right to refuse sex with a diseased husband [or just "husband"], thank a feminist.
...you have the right to keep your medical records confidential from the men in your family, thank a feminist.
...you have the right to read the books you want, thank a feminist.
...you can testify in court about crimes or wrongs your husband has committed, thank a feminist.
...you can choose to be a mother or not a mother in you own time not at the dictates of a husband or rapist, thank a feminist.
...you can look forward to a lifespan of 80 years instead of dying in your 20s from unlimited childbirth, thank a feminist.
...you can see yourself as a full, adult human being instead of a minor who needs to be controlled by a man, thank a feminist.

Horney Harry Potter

Company Motivational Sayings

18. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up."

17. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

16. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

15. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.

14. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.

13. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings--they did it by killing all those who oppose them.

12. We put the "k" in "kwality."

11. Two days without a human rights violation.

10. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"

9. We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

7. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

6. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

5. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.

4. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.

3. Plagiarism saves time.

2. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

1. Our standards are simply lower!

Exhibi Kangaroo

lol

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